Oh, so this is called the pandemic blues…

As I attempt to realign my mind today, in a matter of minutes, my 24-months old ball-of-energy toddler started getting busy too. It’s almost like a given. Every single time. “Oh there she goes, it’s my time now. I can have access to everything on that mountain of a table!”.

And so in that chaos of juggling a toddler who is trying to reign over my workspace, reading self-help articles and replying to WhatsApp messages, just like any other day, I prevailed. Or at least, I tried.

I have been dealing with a lot of emotional whirlwinds lately. Hormones are the easiest thing to blame, but when it happens far too many times (and you are past that time of your month), you can’t help but notice that it’s probably not the workings of it anymore.

As much as I have tried to face the consequences of the pandemic with the most positive mind ever, just like any other normal human being, I am beginning to feel the burnout. Some days are good, I manage. But somedays, it sucks like hell.

The pandemic has been tough on all of us, and it materializes in many forms. It comes in different kinds of hauntings, I figure at this point, regardless of whatever our background is, we all have had our fair share of the pandemic blues.

For a mother like me, the additional toll is also the emotional burden that we all automatically carry the moment we become a mother.

Typically (and this is based on my observation in my culture), a woman assumes a role of bearing the emotional burden the moment her vows are made to a husband, a household and even more when she bears children.

I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Or maybe, it’s just the nurturing nature of a woman. But it sure sucks when we reach the tipping point.

What is this emotional burden exactly? Well if the definition is up to me, it’s the worry and the instinct to make sure everything works accordingly, everyone is happy and cared for and everyone and everything is safe and healthy. Every single thing.

Add in some constant societal pressure, and the fear of being perceived as an incapable insert-role-here — this adds up to an immense emotional burden that we carry day in and day out.

In the context of the pandemic blues, it’s the constant worry about the wellbeing of the family, and if the children are actually doing alright. The disrupted routine, the changes required to be made to make everything as close to “normal” again.

The endless to-do list that only seems to grow longer as days go by. The exhaustion and disconnection, and sometimes the darned irritability that comes with it.

“Just let it go then! You don’t have to worry so much! Just go with the flow!”

Honestly, easier said than done. But hey, I do try. Some days I win, some days I succumb to the pressure and all I want to do is curl into a ball, doing nothing and not caring for a single thing in this world (don’t worry, this is actually practically impossible).

And so, a cry in the shower suffices. Or maybe just a quiet time talking to myself as I think I have grown to master the art of self-consoling.

I am for one, a big advocate of self-care and focusing-on-the-things-that-I-can control kind of attitude, but when it comes to this emotional burden, I admit that I still victimise myself. What I believe I do better is that I brave myself to acknowledge these challenges and shortcomings first, and only with that am I able to know what I should do to overcome it.

I am not too sure about the point of this writing though. As a writer at heart, I thrive in structure. But with this burnout, I don’t know if structure helps anymore.

This might seem like an unstructured kind of writing for now, and for that, I need to forgive myself (or maybe it’s just me being that writer who loves to over critique her work).

Maybe this is how I cope.

I am also not sure of how this particular writing will impact anyone, but I guess my message is simple. I just want to feel that I am not alone. And if this writing is indeed is relatable to you, I want you to know that yes, this feeling is real, it sucks, but you know what, don’t forget that we have each other and yes, we’ll make it through.

❤